Hate all those networking dinner parties, small talk and coming away feeling like an outsider still or worse, feeling like you have yet again put your foot in your mouth…well, read this book and change your life. Larry King of Larry King Live says this book will not only break the ice but will melt you away with your new skills. It is a well known fact that communications skill is a very important tool when it comes to profitability in life, business and work.

This book is written with the intent to help you make an entrance that is unforgettable, teach you how to use body language to captivate audiences all age and size. It will show you how to be the insider even if you have nothing in common with the people you are meeting, how to work a room like a politician and when you leave you will have left a lasting impression of someone who is confident, credible and charismatic.

Leil Lowndes is a much sought after communications consultant and has written internationals bestsellers like “How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You” and “How to be A People Magnet.” She could well be the 21st century Dale Carnegie female re-incarnate and this book is a sort of new age how to version of Dale Carnegie’s 1936 best seller, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. This book addresses the shortcomings of Carnegie’s book which focused on the what- to- do whereas Lowndes’ brings insights and how- to techniques on communications.

Read on below, Leil’s quite delightful and honest techniques on communications!

Part 1 – How to intrigue everyone without saying a word…you only have ten seconds to show you’re a somebody

Technique#1: Walk into a room, look at the person in your line of vision. Pause. Soak in their persona, then a give dazzling smile. The split second delay sends the message the smile is for that special person and it is genuine pleasure.

Technique #2: Taffy eyes - men and women take note! If you want to make the other person feel extra special and increase their adrenalin rush, glue your eyes to your conversation partner’s. And if you have to look away, do it slowly, almost as if reluctantly. This can be done for business and social events.

Technique #3:** Epoxy Eyes: Watch your target person even when someone is talking. No matter who is talking, keep looking at the man or woman you are targeting. Epoxy eyes sends out signal of interest! To make it milder, just keep looking over if a direct look is too brazen for you! Men, pay attention, according to Leil, epoxy eye is very effective on women!

Techniques # 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 is really  about your physical appearance, look like a winner, walk with straight shoulders, don’t fidget less you are deemed not telling the truth. Do a baby pivot, give everyone an all encompassing smile and let them know how you are so pleased to meet them, imagine and greet everyone as if they are your old friends. Listen to the way your new acquaintances are listening to you, be aware. Then visualize yourself as this new super confident human being when you enter the next party or meeting.

Part 2 – How to know what to say after you say hi!

Right so, you have entered and said you’re hellos, what’s next?

Technique #10: Look at the people you are speaking to and make a mood match, are they bored, excited, observe and then match their mood and voice tone.

Tecnhique #11/12/13/14 – Be sympathetic and passionate about whatever is the conversation, when you are able to convince the other party of your sincerity, trust and friendship can be built. Always carry a “whazit” conversation piece or just ask the host “whoozat” to get an introduction.

Technique #15/16/17 – Never the naked introduction of yourself, the person you are introducing or your job, give some interesting details about him, her or your job , in one or two short sentences. #18 - Listen. To continue a conversation, listen and pick up the conversation partner’s interest. A bit tricky this one, just listen for clues then, probe gently. #19- Always a winner, I can personally attest to this one, swivel attention to them. Spotlight them and let ‘em carry on talking, everyone loves to hear themselves talk!

#20 – Never, ever, leave home without the latest news.

Part 3 – How to Talk like a VIP

Technique #24 NEVER – ask people what they do (for a living), rather ask them how they spend their time which can open up the invitation for you to grill more subtly. I know it can be gratingly annoying especially if they want to be coy.

#25 – Have a nutshell resume, in 15 seconds flat make your job the most interesting ever! Always have a benefit statement somewhere! Great for networking get-togethers!

#26 – Sound smarter then you are – beg, borrow or steal a thesaurus! Many ways to say good, beautiful and smart!

Men, pay attention! Women love creativity especially in receiving compliments, don’t just say, nice or pretty or great when complimenting a woman….try stunning, elegant or, ravishing, you will be closer to her heart for sure!

#27 – Don’t be too quick to do a “…me too…” if you have something in common, wait for the right moment to share, too quickly is over eager and too long is sly.

#28 – Get personal, comm-YOU-nicate, always start a sentence with “you”, let them get the compliment directly. Instead of “that was a good suggestion”, say “you made a good suggestion”. #31 – Use motivational speakers trick, find and use easy but appropriate quotes, gems of words to tickle their funny bone and humor ALWAYS work. Be relevant. #32-Act like a big cat – tell it like it is-don’t hide behind euphemisms!

#33 – Note to myself- DON”T joke on someone else’s expense- the likes of “hair today, gone tomorrow” or “looks like you can do with some exercise”. Bad, very bad joke.

#34 – How to give bad news and be loved for it? Deliver with the receiver’s feelings in mind whether it is with a smile or sob.

#36 – How to talk to a celebrity- no, don’t pretend they are not one, don’t slobber either instead compliment them on an achievement and what pleasure or how it benefited you! Don’t ignore their companion and lastly know when to end the conversation.

#37 – Never the naked “thank you“ but “ thank you for …..”

Part 4 – How to be an insider in any crowd

#38 – Scramble therapy - do exciting unusual events, so that you can join in most conversations about most subjects and lead some too. #39 – learn to ask opening questions about other professions, if you don’t know it at all, get a friend who does to ask some opening questions for you. #40 – Bare their hot button- find out the burning concerns in particular industry ie if going to an art gallery opening, and use special insider greetings ; for a runner, “don’t say break a leg” , instead try” have a personal best”.

#41 – Read- everything from golfing to Zen Buddhism – find out what interests your client or new group of friends. I now have a bona fide reason to read gossip magazines- maybe it will break some ice at the next networking meeting, we can talk about Brangelina and Shilah Nouvel, who? #42 – Always read about customs of a foreign land, before you set foot on its soil. #43 – Bluffing for bargains - speak the jargon – how?  Find a few vendors to learn from and one to buy from.

Part 5 – How to sound like you’re peas in a pod

#44 – Watch people and learn. Imitate your movements to your conversation partner’s, this makes them real comfy with you. But how far should you go for instance if they spit and do you spit too? Some discretion will be needed in making that decision. Match your personality to your product. Be the customer’s buying experience.

#45 – Echo their words- it shows respect and makes you part of the family. So if your client calls his firm a publishing house, make sure you do the same. Echoing is also politically correct insurance.

#46 – Potent imaging- if he owns a garden – talk about “sowing the seeds of success”

#47/48/49/50 – Create instant history and intimacy by sharing a joke, empathizing and by using we statements especially when discussing feelings and asking personal questions.

Part 6 – How to differentiate the power of praise to the folly of flattery

#51/53/54 – No risk praise and just imply magnificence, do it behind their back, tell a close friend of theirs. Use accidental adulation. #52 – Always be carrier pigeon of kudos. Go for killer compliments for professional or personal future, look them in the eye and be sincere about it. Do it judiciously. Do it privately. But for friends give itsy bitsy booster all the time…”good job” , “well done” etc. #57 – timing is important in praising someone.

#58 – Boomerang back a compliment and they will want to compliment you every time. If someone ask after your recovery,  show gratitude for their thoughtfulness and compliment them by saying “… how kind of you to ask”.

#59 – Tombstone game-feed people’s self image…say “I love you because you are so full of life” not just “I love you”

Part 7 – How to Direct Dial Their Hearts

#60/61/62 – When speaking in the phone pump up everything by 30% like the silent smile in the voice, the excitement and the pleasure. Always call their name upon hearing their voice, make them happy that they called you. #63 – When screening calls - be smooth and don’t hurt their feelings. #64 – Always salute the spouse when you call someone’s home. They are close enough to sway any opinion against you. #65 – Timing-always ask if it is convenient to talk. Make it a habit. Make it a self punishable crime if you did not utter concern about the timing of your call. #66/67 – Outgoing voice mail messages- no long music, no bells and no jokes- just a short precise pleasant message of your unavailability. When leaving a message, 10 seconds to pitch your best voice and message so that you get a return call. #68/69 – Always be sensitive, “tell them you hear their other line, ask whether she wants to attend to it. Her choice, but it shows you are a top communicator. #70 – Always listen between the lines in a phone conversation.

Part 8 – How to Work a Room like a Politician

Six point checklist - Who is going to be there, when should I arrive, what should I take with me, why is the party being given, where is the collective mind, how to follow up after the party? #71- Munching or Mingling- choose ONE. #72/73 – Survey the room and be the chooser. Make it happen. Capture whatever or whomever you want in your life. #74 – Be a human magnet - open hands, open palms and come hither wrists. Show your wrist and hands. #75/76 – Invoke the events in people’s lives, ask after their cat, garden and refer to them in the conversation. Write notes if necessary. #77 – eyeball selling- pick up cues, know when to close the sale and the small talk.

Part 9 – How To Break The Most Treacherous Glass Ceiling of All

#78 – See no bloopers, hear no bloopers. Don’t even miss a breath about that spilled drink, just pick up the nearest napkin and wipe the spill if it is coming towards you. #79 – If a story is interrupted, lend a helping tongue, invite them to continue with the story or remember where they were and ask them what happened next. #80 – When suggesting a meeting or asking for a favor reveal what is in it for you and the other person , so that if any hidden agenda comes up later, you don’t get labeled as  a sly fox.

#81 – Allow them to savor the favor, and the generosity of themselves.

#82 – When you do someone a favor – don’t call it in immediately looking like tit-for-tat. As Leil puts it, Tit For (wait….wait) Tat.

#83/84 – Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship-leave the confrontation and business discussion till another day. Dinner – okay to brainstorm but no tough business.

#86 – Do not capitalize on a chance meeting if you are selling or negotiating or in a sensitive communication. Keep it short and sweet. Create safe havens for people you want to work with. #87/88 – If you want people to listen to you, listen to them first. Let people emote and listen to their emotions and then empathize. They won’t be angry for long.  #88 – My goof your gain - any mistake you make should benefit the victim, and do it fast!

#89 – If you catch someone lying or filching, exaggerating or distorting – don’t confront, leave them an escape hatch. #91 – Always lead- be the first to applaud or commend publicly especially those you want to impress. #92 – Keep your eye on the great scorecard in the sky, don’t be thrown out of the game.

As with every new game and their rules, keep practicing. Repeated actions will become a habit.

How To Talk To Anyone? – 92 Little Tricks For Big Success in Relationships by Leil Lowndes, Contemporary Books 2003, adapted by yetmee

Originally posted in 2006

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