The Ex Factor

August 28th, 2006 • Related • Filed Under

Most of us tend to have a love-hate relationship with our ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. When times are going really bad, you start to wonder if he/she was the One and that maybe you should have looked over the tiny flaws. When times are good though, your Ex is described as worse than the plague and you wonder why you stuck around so long and why you didn’t notice the blinding flaws from the very beginning.

Everyone will at some point subconsciously compare his or her current life to life with the Ex. This might not necessarily be a negative thing. I have met many (ahem!) unworthy (to put it politely) men in my life and when I do make a comparison, I always realize how lucky I am to have escaped. However, as life goes on, it can get rather frustrating how someone who seems to be a part of your old life still manages to haunt you now. No matter how much you remind yourself to avoid comparing, it creeps up and you and only time or another Ex (hah!) will be able to heal it.

Then, there’s what I call the safety net syndrome. The Ex is always your safety net. If you’re single and you have one of those ¡®am I going to die alone’ moments, you’ll always wonder about the “What Ifs” that could have happened with your Ex. You also give in to daydreams of getting back together. A colleague of mine who was divorced from his wife two years ago came into work looking happier than he had in a long time. He had heard from friends back home in New Zealand that his Ex was still single and even though it’s been 10 years since he last saw her, the possibility of starting a relationship at 43 made him take a different look at life. I suppose having an Ex that is still single provides some sort of comfort to us. You know each other well enough and assume that you’ll be able to just pick up from you left off.

An Ex can also provide physical comfort with no strings attached. You had a little too much to drink at a party and see your Ex there. Chances are, if he’s not with anyone, you’d end up making a move on him. There’s also the high chance of a “friendly” catch up drink turning into more. You both would know each other so well and meeting each other will definitely trigger off memories of being physically together. But that’s just the problem. Your body blocks off the mind, which would have reminded you why it didn’t work. There’s nothing wrong with it as long as you both know it’s not done with any intention of getting back.

Treating your Ex as a safety net though can backfire painfully. You both decide to call it quits for some reason or other but because neither of you are seeing anyone else; you’d most likely to see each other as safety nets. One day, when he starts seeing someone new though, you’d feel like you got dumped. In the words of my best friend who wailed melodramatically, “I got dumped by my Ex!” It’s ironic but true. She had broken up with her boyfriend of two years because of distance. He was in UK and she had to return to KL after her degree. Though loving each other fiercely, circumstances drove them apart. Even then, they continued messaging, emailing and talking to each other. She knew it was impossible to work out but always asserted that if all fails, she’ll pack up and go back to him. That comforted her on many lonely nights here. Recently, he dropped the

bombshell on her. He had met someone knew. He didn’t think that they should keep in contact anymore. She had lost her safety net. Somewhere inside of her, she knew that this was going to happen. “But why couldn’t it have been me first?” she wailed.Exes haunt us. For whatever personal reason, they will always lurk in our secret thoughts and dreams. Put those voodoo dolls of them away and think of them as necessary pieces that is needed to reach your relationship Utopia. If it makes you feel any better, as an ex yourself, you’d probably be doing your fair share of haunting.

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